Little steps back to reality
Fighting that anxious feeling
It has been a while in falling out of my regular patterns. And it is hard going back to reality. Not back to the reality that had been, but even to a new reality that requires going to. Anxiety kicks in and makes it hard to face simple things that I have done before. Not because I can’t do it, but for some unknowable reason I am not able to go back to doing it.
So, I broke a couple of patterns of anxiety today. I had struggles visiting my den where I work from. I have not used it for over two months. Just did not want to go in there. So, instead of trying to do any work, I just went in there and sat in the chair facing away from the computer looking at the books on the bookshelf. And sat there for over half-hour doing nothing, just to socialize with the environment.
After feeling somewhat comfortable, I turned back to find that both the rechargeable keyboard and mouse of my Mac Mini computer had died. So, connected them both to the charger. And then actually after a few minutes did log in to the machine and did not do much - just upgraded the Mac to 11.3 and 11.3.1 patches for macOS and wrapped up for the day. And it was a start, in coming back to some part of the reality that I need to appreciate and work with.
The next step was post-lunch. I told myself that I do need to break the pattern and go for an additional walk in the afternoon (apart from the two dog walking sessions that I participate in). It was drizzling but I did not let that stop me. Dressed properly in a rain jacket, I did make a 25-minute walk on my own, my first proper walk since possibly the end of October. And I guess my heart with thank me for starting to do this. It also meant that I could get back to the audiobook that I am listening to - David Graeber’s Debt - the first 5,000 years.
The next step of course I to start pushing myself to see how far I do things every day - both physical and mental. I still struggle in not wanting to meet and talk to people, so perhaps I will participate in one of the Zoom Meetup groups tomorrow. And hang in there not for the full two hours but for however long I could tolerate being there. On my own terms.
Overall it is a breakthrough day. Two steps forward and closer to the new reality of getting life back on track. Some track. Any track. Hoorah!